I have just had the immense pleasure of watching what could easily be one of the best movies i've ever seen.V for Vendetta.It examines what could very well be our reality in the very near future.Government corruption and a world of people controlled by fear.In the future it predicts that everyone will have a curfew,which i think is already in affect in some places,homosexuality is illegal and anyone accused of such a crime will be black bagged(they storm into your house,put a black bag over your head and take you away to prison to be tortured and later killed).All supplies are limited,as they mention in the film,water coupons,and those who don't follow orders like good little boys and girls don't get as many coupons as the rest,if any.This movie is frighteningly close to alot of the bullshit that's going on in our government today.How our rights are threatened everyday,not by terrorist,but by our own leaders.They have already outlawed gay marriage in most places,abortion is under attack all the time,and now i even hear about them trying to ban certain clothing.Music,movies,and video games are ALWAYS the motivation for violence so ofcourse it won't be long before they are considered immoral and banned as well.We all live under this illusion that we are free,when in fact we are only free-to do as they say!I'm not saying i'm not patriotic,i really wouldn't want to live in any other country,but we need to stop fooling ourselves with this notion that we are truly free.All of our "freedoms" have limits,and to me,true freedom has no boundaries.Like,we are free to practice whatever religion we chose,yet the 10 commandments are posted in courtrooms.Religion is a popularity contest,and we all know that whoever has the most power is the most popular.We hear about someone being a "good christian man" and we automatically think that must mean they're a good person.Our goverment has made what at the very least might be considered immoral to some,illegal.We don't even have the right to do what we will to our own bodies unless some asshole in a suit sitting in the whitehouse says it's ok.Who decided he should judge?We did.And that's what really scares me,that almost everyone i talk to shares the same or similar opinions as myself,yet somehow we continue to let these criminal dictate our lives.Wether he cheated his way into office or the majority of us were to scared to ellect someone else,it's scary all the same. Doesn't anyone find anything wrong with the fact that marijuana is illegal,even though we all know it's a tremendous help to those with cancer and other ailments?Oh but alcohol is just fine..yea sure,go ahead,drink up America,but you better not light up that joint cause that's bad for you! You know why they don't let us smoke our weed?Money.it's all about the money,you see they have all these contracts with pharmacuetical companies so dr's just keep pushin crap down our throats that have more hanus side affects then the disease itself.Then they get on t.v and claim that it's illegal because it's bad for us!! And what's really pathetic is that some believe this nonsense!They always say they have our best interests at heart.So let me ask this,is it in the crying mother's best interest when she gets that dreaded phone call that her son or daughter was killed during battle?Is it in the child's best interest who had tried every medicine available to control his violent behavior ,but found the only thing that worked was a special blend of marijuana that allowed him to return to school and live a normal life,only to have the gov burn all the crops,which sent this child to an institution for the rest of his life,since the blend could not be reproduced?Is it in the young girl's best interest who becomes pregnant and knows she cannot provide a good life for her child but her options are limited so instead she has the baby and ends up on welfare,only to hear the same gov that banned abortion bitching about all the welfare mothers? Is it in the best interest of a gay man or woman who's love for their partner is deemed unholy,therefore not suited for the oh so sacred bonds of marriage? I ponder these questions now after viewing this film,that moved me to tears,tears of heartache for what the characters went through,knowing that one day it could be the reality for us all,tears of fear because our gov has already begun to slither it's way into our minds like a manipulative snake,using the oh so powerful weapon of fear,and also tears of hope,hope that maybe one day a man in a mask wiil come and open all of our eyes...for our own protection.

Never,EVER,get your hair colored by a ditzy blonde fresh outta school.Now there's nothing really wrong with ditzy,or blonde,or fresh outta school,but when you put the three together,it's a recipe for disaster!Which is what my hair is now!O.k. so a few mths ago,august to be exact,i colored my hair black,my natural color is light to medium brown,i think,been a while since i've seen it.My roots had started to grow back and looked rediculous.Since I was tired of black I decided to have it colored as close to my natural shade as possible with maybe some subtle highlights.So i go to the salon and am greeted by this very airheadish blonde who could not be over 21.I tell her what i would like done to my hair ,she gets this horrified look on her face and says in a most stereotypical "valley girl" tone ,"that's gonna be like really hard to lighten black hair.Why'd you dye it black anyway,that was way stupid!" I stood there thinking,oh my god,i'm about to put my hair in the hands of a chick who's idol is probably paris hilton.Now let me just say that i know that not all blondes are ditzy,but there are some that totally fit the profile of a laguna beach girl,which she did,so for those of you out there like her who are thinking about leaving me a nasty comment,please don't attempt this,you will need those brain cells to fully understand the next episode of the O.C.Now i know what some of you are thinking,if you thought she was an idiot then why did you let her do your hair?Well ,they were supposedly having a sale on hair coloring,$20 off,what they didn't tell me until they were done was that you can only get the discount if you also get a $20 haircut and a $10 deep conditioning treatment...shoulda read the fine print i guess,so yea,it's partly my fault for trying to save money.So anyway,she tells me that i have two choices,bleach my hair and risk major damage,or do some kind of bleach wash,which isn't as harsh but won't lighten it as much.I opt for the wash.i did not want to risk my hair falling out! She's putting the bleach in my hair and i notice that she's also putting it on the roots,which didn't need to be lightened since the goal was to make the rest of my hair match the roots.Also let me add that during the entire process i had to listen to her and another "laguna beach" chick talk about breast implants,apparently the other chick had hers done 10 yrs ago and was saying it was time for a "touch up".They were also complaining about thier fatasses which couldn't be more then a size 4!Now since i am NOT a size 4,this kind of talk made me want to vomit.It ranked right up there with when i worked my ass off at burger king just so my baby could have diapers,only to hear the teenage girls bitching because they weren't gonna have enough money for the prom dress they had been eyeing.I would always think,oh please,shut up til you have REAL problems to bitch about.But anyway,getting off subject here,so she finishes bleaching it and i see that my roots are now yellow and the rest is streaks of black,dark brown,and orange.She sees the terror in my eyes and says,"chill,we'll put the brown dye on it and then it'll be hot." (oh my god,paris hilton IS her idol!)She puts the brown dye on it alright,along with my ears,forehead,nose,and neck,which she told me I could get off with cold cream,isn't that HER job??.We get done and it looked ok i guess,my roots were still lighter then the rest which was my problem in the 1st place but most of the black had come out .She told me to wait a month and then come back(pay her another $110!) and they would do the process again to get all the black out,then i should be able to have the desired color.She offers to curl the ends of my hair and i say ,"ok,whatever." So she does and i thought,"my god,this chick can't even use a curling iron properly." There were all kinds of iron marks on it.But i thought,fuck it,she's doing this part for free,so i pay her an obsene amount of money and leave.The next morning i take my shower ,using the color protectant shampoo she told me i just HAD to have.As i'm blow drying my hair i start to notice that my roots have faded to orange,so i inspect the rest and discover that there are yellow and orange streaks all over my head!At that point i just wanted to cry,but instead i went back to the "laguna salon",which is what i now refer to it as,lol.I showed the chick her fuck up and asked what could be done.She says well i could fix it for you friday.I say,"oh no,no,YOU aren't touching my hair again,I want the manager." So now i have an appointment to get it fixed,for free ofcourse,with someone who i fucking pray has some intelligence,but seeing as how she hired the hilton sisters,it's not looking too good.I guess we'll see friday afternoon.Everyone please pray for me,lol.

Yesterday was a good day.I went to Jeremiah's school for a mother's day brunch.The teacher read a story called,I'll Love You Forever,by Robert Munsch.It was very touching.It was about a mother and her son,it starts with him being a baby and each night she'd crawl in his room up to his bed,rock him in her arms and say,i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always as long as i'm living my baby you'll be.Then he's 2 ,9,a teenager,and then a grown man and still every night she'd rock him and say the same thing.It even showed her going to his house with a ladder,climbing through the window,picking up this great big man and rocking him.Towards the end the mother is old and sick and her son comes to visit her in her bed,she starts to say,i'll love you forever..but can't finish so her son picks her up,rocks her and says,i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always,as long as i'm living my mommy you'll be.See all those nights she thought he was sleeping.Then at the end he goes home to his new baby girl,crawls up to her bed,picks her and rocks her and says,i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always as long as i'm living my baby you'll be.It was so sweet,most of the mothers were tearing up ,along with myself.Then we ate muffins,cookies,pigs in a blanket,and pound cake.I was sitting with Jeremiah and this other little boy who's mommy couldn't make it came up to me,hugged me and said,"will you be my mommy today?' I said,"oh my god ,that's so sweet!" I told him to pull his chair next to Jeremiah's and helped him make his mother's day card.Jeremiah had already made his,It was so cute,it had arms glued to the side and when you opened it,the arms opened up and inside he wrote,i love you this much! It's the 1st mother's day card he's ever made for me and i'll cherish it and that day always :)

for those of you with good vision that's a tattoo of a star under my right eye,not a mole,lol

i hate my nose,lol.

I watched Matt's funeral tape last night for the first time since the day of the funeral so I decided to write about it.I realize I write about Matt alot but he was such an amazing person that i just want to tell everyone about him.Also i feel like writing about him keeps his memory alive.I feel blessed for knowing him and special that i was the best friend of an angel.I say angel because in a sense that's what he was.That's why he had to die so soon, only the good die young cause they're too precious for this world.They are sent here just long enough to make an impact and then they have to go back where they truly belong before this place ruins them.Destroys that spark in them that makes them so special and matt's spark was starting to dim.I almost feel sorry for those who never got to meet him so i feel by writing about him that whoever reads my blog might get a sense of how wonderful he was.I also keep posting about him cause i never feel like i've told the whole story.There was so many different sides to matt.He was the kinda guy who would sit and have deep intellectual conversations but he was also the kinda guy that would moon you for no reason other then he thought the look on your face was funny,lol.Matt,he was a character.I'm sure everyone has their "matt" atleast i hope so.So ok back to the funeral. I've been to some funerals that seemed to be more about the family then the actual deceased.Some people might not play certain music,say certain things when giving a speech about their loved one,or make it "christian themed", even if they weren't christians, because it might offend someone in the family.Well this was not the case with Matt's funeral.Deborah(matts mom) made sure that every detail was about him.She knew that Matt was not the type to censor anything just cause it might offend someone,and also that anyone who truly knew Matt wouldn't be offended anyway.Ok so I'll start from the beginning.We get there and everyone goes to the lobby to watch a video about matt.It showed pics of him from a baby to a pic taken hours before he died.While the pics are being shown the song simple man by lynrd skynrd is playing.It was very touching.That was one of his favorite songs and it described him well.Even though he was a genius he was very simple.Cared nothing for clothes or appearances,material objects meant little to matt.He said all his life all he ever hoped for was a roof over his head,food in his belly and the people he loved to always be near.Matt was born june 25 1976 so he was a cancer.Cancer's are very sensative but not wimpy,they're also homebodies,which Matt definitly was so deborah had him cremated so she could bring him home where he was always happiest.So after the video we all go into the other room .I go and sit behind the podium because i was going to sing later.Everyone gets seated and amazing grace played on the bagpipes begins to play as kaleb walks up the aisle carrying matt's ashes which where put in a beautiful wooden box with a carving of a path in the middle of a forrest with mountains in the distance.Kaleb puts the box on the podium and when the music stops,begins his speech.Before the service kaleb came to me and was very nervous about what to say so i help him write his speech.Now let me just say that matt was a potsmoker.One of his favorite things to do was sit on his front porch,smoke a joint and talk with his friends,sometimes til early in the morning.That was matt,he wasn't ashamed to say he loved weed,there's nothing wrong with it and it angered him to no end that someone could drink a beer, bullshit with their friends and usually be obnoxious and no one sees anything wrong with that,but tell someone you smoke weed and you're looked down upon.So anyway,Kaleb decided to mention pot in his speech cause anyone who knew matt would know he'd get a kick out of it.He did it in a very tasteful way though,he said,"matt was someone you could talk with,laugh with and yes even smoke a joint with.but matt wasn't just someone to get high with,he was my best friend,and to me,that was more then enough."He said that last part because some of matt's family members that didn't really know him just saw him as a pothead.So Kaleb finishes his speech and comes sit next to me.Then it was my turn to sing.I sang in the arms of the angels by sarah mclaghlan.I had never sang in public before and i was extremely nervous but i had to do it for matt.He loved my voice.He used to ask me to sing him to sleep when he was having trouble sleeping,which was quite often.The music starts and my throat tightens as i begin to cry.I close my eyes and as i open my mouth to sing,thinking there was no way i was gonna get through the song,i feel hands squeezing my shoulders.I relax and sing the whole song without crying once.As soon as it was over i open my eyes and see kaleb,who i thought had put his hands on my shoulders,holding my hand.So i think if it wasn't kaleb then who was it?Later we watched the video of the funeral and when Kaleb begins his speech you could clearly see a shadow of a large person behind him.Then when i start to sing the shadow moves behind me,as soon as i finish,the shadow disappears.We all got chills watching that .After my song they played kid rock's only god knows why-matts all time fav.then hoobastank's the reason.The pastor,who was matt's neighbor growing up,says his serman.He doesn't go on and on about how matt was this big christian like most pastors do at funerals wether the person was or not,he just talked about him cause he knew him.That's another thing that made it special,even the pastor was close to matt.Don't get me wrong,Matt wasn't some godless sinner,he was very spiritual.He just didn't want to close his mind to other possibilities.He was interested in all religions.He did believe in god.The pastor finishes and a couple more people get up and talk about matt.After the service everyone gathers around the podium and talks for a bit.Slowly people start to leave and soon the only ones left were kaleb and I.We just stood there,staring at matt's pic,holding hands and crying.We didn't want to leave cause we knew as soon as we walked out that door that life without matt had truly begun.We stayed there until Matt's mom deborah came and told us it was time to go.We walk out to the parking lot to deborah's car to hug her and say we'd be at her house soon.She starts to put matt's ashes in her car and stops,turns back to me and says,"ya know,Matt always liked riding with you guys best." She handed me the box and I took it back to the car.Kaleb held the box in his lap with one hand and held my hand with the other .The whole way to matt's house we didn't cry,we talked about good times we had with matt,and laughed,just like the three of us always did riding in the car.I'll never forget that moment and how honored I felt to give my best friend his last ride home.

It's 6:30am and I'm listening to james taylor fire and rain and crying my eyes out.That song really gets me.Makes me think of Matt,especially the part where it says i always thought that i'd see you again.Matt was such a big part of my life for so long i never imagined life without him.I really always thought he'd be there to talk to when i was losing my mind.He was my rock.I just can't seem to express how wonderful this man truly was.He was one of the special ones.Ya know those ppl you meet or maybe just heard of that are so amazing they almost seem unhuman,there's just something different about them that lets you know they're special right away..that was matt.I know i've said alot of this in previous posts but i have to say it again,Matt was a genius,he was reading by age 3,and by the time he started school at age 5 he was at a 3rd grade reading level.His mom said he would go to the library and get books about spirituality.science,space,and the human body.He wanted to know all the different theories about where we came from and how we worked.He was like a sponge,soaking up any knowledge he could.Matt was always searching for answers to the unknown.That kinda gives me some peace,that atleast now he has all his answers about where we come from and where we go when we die.Anyway,so these were the books he'd read at age 5 and 6,his mom joked that he knew more about the female body then she did! And he did to,Matt never seemed to look at females like sex objects,he was fascinated by them,the female form was like art to him.but he never judged women based on looks.When he met them he would study them,what they said,facial expressions.We met when i was 16 and i remember the whole time i was talking to him he was staring right into my eyes,listening to every word.Later i would find out he was analyzing me,studying my soul.He could do that,he had a gift for it,he could tell if someone was lieing,or if they weren't saying what they really meant,even if they didn't know it themselves.He was a therapist to all his friends cause he could hear your problem and feel what you felt.It's like he was connected to everyone,to the world.So when we met there was an instant connection.We were completly in sync with each other.The best way i can describe it is like twins,how they are so connected they can feel what each other feel and finish each others sentences.We were like that,from day one.Before meeting matt i had pretty low self esteem,i felt like no one understood me cause i was kinda different.I've had some experiences in my life going back to about age 12 where i've had dreams or visions about something and then it came true.I would tell my mom and at 1st she thought it was all bullshit until one time something crazy happened that proved to her it wasn't all a coincidence,but that's for another post,too long for this one.Anyway so i had this thing about me that no one understood including me.Matt asked me if i ever had dreams or visions that came true the 2nd time we talked! I never mentioned anything about it but he knew.Through the yrs he helped me figure out what different dreams meant.He helped me grow spiritually.He taught me so much.He made me blossom.When i was with him i felt special.He thought the world of me.This man was so in love with me .He told me i had the beauty of art and the soul of poetry.Coming from any other guy it would sound cheesy,but matt really meant it.He didn't say shit to get laid,it's almost like that never occured to him .not sex,but bullshitting someone to get it!I'm sure he did think of sex but not very often,he said there was far more important things to spend his time focusing on.he truly thought sex was overrated and he saw no point in casual sex either.He never judged those who indulged in it but he just thought that sex without love was empty.He couldn't understand why someone would wanna share something so intimate with someone they didn't love.He also said that kissing was a mingling of the souls.He was such a romantic in that way.It hurts me to know that he never got the love he deserved.I'm the only woman he ever loved like that.I was a fool for not returning that love.I saw him more like my brother,my best friend,my soulmate.Matt was the most amazing,intelligent,and funniest person i've ever known and it makes me feel special to know that someone as incredible as him thought so much of me.We were best friends for 7 yrs,inseperable,until i met my ex.Everything was good for the 1st yr,then when i got pregnant he became very controlling.He wouldn't let me see my friends so when Matt died it had been 6 mths since i had seen him,the yrs before that we had never went more then a few days apart.I had finally gotten rid of my b/f one day and was getting ready to go see matt when his mom came to my door and told me the news.I have so much guilt and regret about that,if i'd only kicked my b/f out one day sooner then i would've been there the day matt died,i could've saved him.I know it was his time but it still haunts me,and always will.One of Matts favorite sayings when someone would ask how he was doing,was," same old,same old,dollar short and a day late." I guess that time i really was.