hippierave: August 2005

Jeremiah's b-day party was awesome.The cake didnt fall apart,jeremiah had fun playing with the other kids and loved all his presents.The only part that sucked was baking a cake in a house with no a/c and it was 100 degrees that day!At first it seemed like the plans were gonna fall through cause we had the party at my friend jacobs house and a friend called him and needed a ride from the airport but we managed to pull it off in time.We grilled,played music and had a blast.I was so happy that Jeremiah had a good b-day.Now today probably won't go as well..moving day argh!

No one sees me.
I walk in a crowd of people and not one pair of eyes are on me.
I begin to wonder if I'm invisible.
Can they not see me?
Or do they choose to keep their gaze fixed on other things.
To avoid my grotesque exterior.
Am I that repulsive that they dare not look at me?
For fear of nausea,blindness,or some other ailment that comes with viewing such a hideous sight.
Flabby belly,thick thighs,distorted face.
That's all my mirror reflects.
That's all I see.
And that is why no one sees me.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.I went to the beauty college to apply for financial aide and the pale grant is gonna pay for everything.I don't even have to pay registration fee.So i was excited about that.I'm officially a student now,which seems so strange to me since like 6 yrs ago i was shooting up crank in a gas station bathroom..stealing whatever from whoever for drug money..i really have come a long way.thanks to my kids.So i'm on my way home,smiling and happy,when i hear sirens ..cop sirens.fuck.I got pulled over for going 46 in a 25..which is bullshit cause i saw the cop sitting there the 1st time i drove by,i got a little lost,lol,so i knew he was there and looked at my spedometer and it said 35.i think he pulled me over cause i passed someone going 15mph when i went by him.It'n it something how life punches you in the face if you dare crack a smile?lol.I know a tickets not that big a deal but it pisses me off cause i wasnt freakin speeding is all.Today should be even better though,we're having jeremiah's b-day party today.It's not is b day til the 23rd but we're having his party later today at my friend jacob's house..like 16acres of land for him to run around on,,a barn with animals for him to play with and there's gonna be about 15 other people there with their kids.W'ere gonna cook out,eat cake and icecream,play guitar ,well jacob and his friends will since i cant play,lol.and open presents ofcourse.My sister the bitch tries to outdo me every yr,on b days,x-mas..everything.I had told her like 2 weeks ago not to get him a bike cause i was going to.Well she did anyway,,she got hers 1st cause she has more money then i do.so i went to ask her what she got him yesterday before i went shopping..she said,,"oh i went ahead and got him that bike,does it really matter who it comes from" yes it matters!So i went to walmart upset cause i had no idea what to get him.they've already gotten him every video game i can think of,amd they got the bike so i'm left with crappy action figures and robot dolls that he doesnt really like.I had jacob with me and he knew how pissed i was so he was helping me look..I was like,he's gonna hate all the crappy gifts i got him,,blah blah blah,,then jacob was like,,hold on a min,,i think i saw something cool.He came back with a wideboard,.,which is a skateboard but wider and it has a handle bar on the front for him to hold onto.,.it was perfect..jeremiahs always talking about how cool skaters are,so i know he'll like it.I know the party i throw for him will be alot cooler then whatever my sis is gonna do.See at this party we're gonna have lots of GOOD music,let him get as dirty as he wants,and let him eat whatever he wants.At her party it's gonna be people from church,no cake,and i can garuntee no music unless its gospel,,and not the cool young gospel,,the old boring gospel.And she doesnt let him get dirty when he plays,which to me is no fun!Hopefully everything will go as planned and jeremiah will have an awesome b day!

Something amazing happened to me today.I went to visit Matt's mom...the friend that died..and she wasn't home.Anytime i go there and no ones home it makes me miss Matt more,,cause if people are there it takes my mind off of it.So on the way home i decided to go this spot where me and him used to sit,look at the lake and smoke weed.It's a very beautiful place and i havent been since he died.So i go..sit there,cry and talk to matt.I kept saying god i miss you,,i love you,,why did you have to die..basically just telling him how special he still is to me and how much i miss him..i sat there for about 30 mins.As i was pulling out i said,god please,just give me a sign that he can hear me,,that he knows i love him.about 2 secs after i said that the song only god knows why by kid rock came on the radio.this was matts fav song,we played it at the funeral.this is the song that represents matt to me.so as soon as i heard the 1st few notes i knew it was my sign,,i got this overwhelming feeling that matt was in the car with me,i could see him out of the corner of my eye,but when i turned to look,,ofcourse he was gone..i screamed,,thank you god!! over and over..i know this seems like a silly coincedence..but i know what i felt.Not to mention the fact that the next song that came on was angel by sarah mclaghlan,,which is the song i sang at his funeral..any doubts i had were gone then.I've been having a really hard time getting over his death,,especially since the 27th will make it a yr since he died.but this experience today helped me alot,,now i finally know that he's here with me.even in death he has found a way to comfort me.

My friend Jacob spent the night with me last night.We used to live together,not as a couple,just as friends,cause apparently thats how every guy i meet sees me.I hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks.It was really nice to spend some time with a friend again.Just having someone to sit beside me and watch movies with was refreshing.And i actually slept..we fell asleep on the couch together.I don't think my friends realize how much it means to me just to have them around.I've had a crush on Jacob since 9th grade.He was my reason for even showing up to school.He was the hippie guy with gorgeous long blonde hair,piercing blue eyes,and vintage clothes.He was in drama club,so ofcourse i joined to :) and he writes some of the most beautiful poetry.Me and my little group of friends used to follow him around school,,drooling on ourselves,lol..but he had no clue,I never got up the nerve to talk to him.Skip to nearly 10 yrs later when i call my friend Kaleb and say,"hey,whats goin on?" He says,'nothin,just chillin with Jacob." I say.."jacob? Jacob who?"..then he says his last name..I was instantly a giddy 15yr old girl again..'Oh my god,,he's at your house right now??" he says,"Uh,,yea..."..I say,"i'm on my way!" So while i'm on my way there Kaleb tells Jacob about me,,ofcourse he had no idea who i was..so kaleb says,,shes a girl that used to follow you around school...well apparently there was another girl that followed him around,,and she was not very attractive.so he thought i was her and wasnt looking foward to meeting me.So I finally get there,walk in the door,,nervous as shit!Jacob says hi without even looking up.Then i walk in front of him and he sees me..with a shocked look he says,"oh..hey! you're pretty!" well this ofcourse made me almost faint..i had dreamed about hearing him say that for a long time! So the three of us hang out and watch movies all night..and the entire time all i can think is,i'm sitting next to jacob..my leg is touching his..oh my god,!!!! I had to keep calming myself down in my head,,youre 24 yrs old,you have 2 kids,,quit acting like a giddy schoolgirl..but i couldnt help it. So after a few hrs kaleb decides to go to bed,but luckily theres still one more movie to watch,so now its just me and jacob..alone..together..in the dark,except light from the tv. I told him i was cold and asked for a blanket,which was a big lie,,i was actually pretty hot next to him! so he covers us in a blanket and grabs my hand..i thought my heart was gonna burst in my chest when i felt his hand on mine.So we watch the entire movie and still nothing more then hand holding..i'm way to shy to make a move,,especially with him! The movie ends and he turns to me and asks how i liked it,,I said,it was ok,but,,and before i could finish he kisses me! i'm pretty sure angels came down from heaven and was playing music in my ears,,and ofcourse through the whole kiss all i could think was ..oh my fucking god,,i'm kissing jacob! it almost felt like how i would imagine kissing a celeb would be,,cause i had dreamed about it for like 10 yrs and built him up in my head. after we finished kissing i said ,OUTLOUD,i just kissed jacob andrews...oh my god,,then i started giggling and couldnt stop,,he probably thought i was a nut!So after that we started hanging out more and he eventually moved in cause he needed a place and i'm lonely.we became very good friends quickly.But one night we had the talk,,the what exactly are we talk..so ofcourse..just like with every other guy he said we were too much alike to be a couple,,and we are alot alike,,but i've always thought it was a diff reason,like i'm not pretty enough..cause i'm every guys best friend,but never their girlfriend,,except for the few abusive assholes i've been with.So anyway,,we lived together a while and the image i had of him in my head slowly changed,,hard to think of someone as a god after they fart on you,lol..which he seems to love doing..So thats the story behind jacob,,now instead of "oh my god,,jacobn andrews"..it's "quit farting on my feet,you gross motherfucker,lol" but i still love him anyway :)