I got to visit with daniel yesterday.I kept him for the whole day and it was pretty much the best day i've had in months.I brought him to my new apt,the one he and jeremiah will be living at as soon as i get them back.It's the 1st time he'd been here,he played with his toys,sat in my lap,watched cartoons and ate a pb and j sandwhich.It felt just like it did when he lived with me.I think i smiled the entire day,just looking at him.I realized that i've missed out on alot in just a few months.When i had him he was just learning his abc's,now he can sing the entire alphabet song.He's also learned new words and can talk in complete sentences now.I feel cheated.I was not a perfect mother,i have yet to ever meet one,but i did not do anything to deserve my kids taken from me! I never beat my kids,i dont use drugs,and my kids were always well fed and bathed.My "crime" was that i was overwhelmed sometimes and had a hard time keeping up with everything,anyone who is a singlemom to 2 kids knows it's not easy at all.It just completely frustrates me that someone can do METH and keep their kids but let someone get behind on dishes and their kids are gone!This whole thing just hurts me so bad.When i took daniel back to my sis's house i got to see jeremiah for a min.Jeremiah is in the system,daniel is not and Dfacs has yet to set up visitation so if i visit him w/o their permission it would really fuck up my case.He gives me a hug and says hey mommy,like he sees me everyday,i hadnt really seen him since august! I look at him and his eyes are just empty,he's detached.I'm not surprised this has happened,the poor kid's been through more then any 7 yr old should have to go through.Alot of it is my fault,I can't even imagine how i'll begin to make it up to him.I can't even petition to get them back til april,that seems so far.When i came home yesterday all of daniel's toys were out where he left them and i just cried.I've been trying so hard to stay strong through this but i can feel myself cracking.I really don't talk about it much to my friends or family,they prolly think i don't care that much,the truth is everytime i think about how much i miss them i feel like i'm choking and i can't breathe.I know if i even start to talk about it i will just breakdown.Now that i'm pregnant i'm even more upset.I fear that they'll take my baby too.I keep imagining the dr handing my baby off to some stranger after he's born.I know if and when i get my kids back i will cherish them even more then before,i can't imagine even yelling at them when they're being bad.I hear my next door neighbor screaming and cussing her little boy alot and it breaks my heart cause she doesn't know how lucky she is to have her child and i guess before i didn't know either but that is something i will never forget again.
posted by amber at 10:47 PM
1 comments
