I don't know whats wrong with me.I never sleep.i've been up since 5pm yesterday,yes pm,,my sleep schedule is fucked up.All i seem to do anymore is fuck around on the computer,pop pills,and mope. I have to take pain meds cause i have degenrative disc disease,so i'm forever dependent on narcotics,i hate it! I cant even get out of bed without pain meds,just like the junkies you see in the movies,all sick and shaky w/o their drugs,,thats me w/o pain meds,,but it's not like i can just go to the methadone clinic,,i cant make my back problems jjust go away.My sis has my kids now cause i'm in the process of moving and going to school so she'll have them for a whole yr!I'll get them every saturday though.I need to get out of this funk.I start beauty college soon so maybe that will help.I have no job,i used to work but then i had my 2nd child,who is 18 mths now.I just have no desire anymore,it almost hurts to smile.All my friends are leaving slowly.One best friend died last aug,my other best friend is in jail til god knows when..and I have just a few other kinda close friends that i dont see enough.They all have jobs and lives,,b/fs and g/fs..not me,I'm alone.I hardly go out and when i do it seems that i'm invisible.I try to make myself look attractive but no one notices.My friends say that people can sense my low self-esteem.and i suppose thats true.I'm very shy in public,avoid eye contact,so i guess people assume i dont wanna be bothered.ahh..freakin issues....I need a shower,a cig,and a life!!I promise i'm not always such a ray of fuckin sunshine,lol..just havent been the same since matt died..as soon as i have a good day,,i'll post it.which will hopefully be on aug 24th,my 1st day back into the real world at school..1st time i've been excited about anything in a long time.